When extended breastfeeding and etiquette columnists collide
Slate posted a "Dear Prudence" advice column on Monday that had a woman writing to ask what to do about the fact that her new sister-in-law breastfed her 5-year-old (who has severe allergies) at the dinner table. Some people were probably still picking up their jaws as soon as they read "5-year-old" and "breastfed" in the same sentence, and as soon as they did they promptly began making contorted faces and sounds mimicking a cat trying to expel a hair ball to convey their disapproval. Other people (no doubt often called names like "the breastfeeding police") were jumping on the person writing the question and on the answer Prudence supplied, and taking to the internet to spread the word about the awfulness of Prudence. I am a breastfeeding advocate. As many people have rightly pointed out, anthropological and biological study show us that a natural weaning age around the world is typically between 3 and 7 years, severe allergies or not. So while I may not wish to breastfeed a child of 5 years, I cannot say that it is "wrong," as so many people did. I am not going to say "I'm all for breastfeeding. . . . a BABY." I'm actually more interested in the *tone* of Prudence's response than the actual advice. Because if you distill the actual advice down to about one or two factual sentences, it would be this: "Tell your brother, 'we were all really uncomfortable that your wife breastfed her son at the dinner table, especially considering it was the first time we met her. I understand he has allergies, but would you ask her if she can step away from the dinner table if she needs to breastfeed him again at a family gathering?'" When you say this matter-of-factly, it doesn't sound too bad to me. I know that some people feel that the mom should breastfeed her son whenever and wherever she wishes, and I can respect that opinion. If the son in question were an infant or toddler, I'd be more inclined to agree. But breastfeeding a 5-year-old, even if anthropologically and biologically normal is not typical in our culture. Add in the fact that this was done in front of people you've never met (even if they are now your family, by marriage), and I am ok with suggesting that a more private location is a better choice. But the tone of the response is mocking, condescending, and derisive. It suggests that because the mother breastfeeds her 5-year-old son (you know the child that she carried to term and birthed), that she is going to gleefully attempt to serve her unsuspecting guests her breast milk in lieu of cream for their coffee (which probably comes from cows, but yet that's not weird?). She mocks La Leche League and then makes a completely unscientific declaration that 5 years old is too old to "still be at mommy's breast." When, she says, your kid can tell you to lay off the garlic, then it's time to throw away the nursing bra (to which I say, hey, if it still fits, wear that sucker, because does she know how hard it is to find a good bra and those things are expensive and why, yes, I'm wearing a nursing bra even though my youngest hasn't nursed for 2+ years). This sounds pretty much like the oft-heard "if they can ask for it, they're too old." What does "ask for it" mean anyway? "Nee-nees, pease?!" coming from a 18-month-old is asking for it. Is a 10-month-old who can sign "milk," asking for it? Sorry, but when you get down to it, rooting, a behavior that is exhibited minutes out of the womb, is "asking for it." The instinct to breastfeed is just that--instinctual and distinctions that have to do with the method of communication to express that human need and what they have to say about breastfeeding's appropriateness are completely arbitrary. Then Prudence suggests that if the husband won't ask his wife to nurse the son in a more private setting that the other family members run out of the room while doing their best imitation of Edvard Munch's "The Scream" rather than suggesting that the writer just say calmly and politely to her sister-in-law, "Can I ask you to give your son breast milk in the other room, we feel awkward having you do so at the table?" I mean, you can have a discussion about whether or not that is fair to ask of her, but it's a heck of a lot less hysterical than the juvenile responses Prudence suggests. The woman could even suggest pumping milk for her son before coming to a family gathering. I know that this may not be an option; some women cannot get much, if any, milk by pump, but only by nursing. And yes, it's way less convenient. But politely suggesting a different location or a pump is a lot less offensive than the attitude displayed in the column. Prudence closes by praying that this woman find her son a milk substitute (by which, to clarify, she means a substitute for the cow's milk that most people drink, which is a substitute for the milk of our own species, since the woman's son is allergic to cow's milk), because "[i]t would be bad for him socially if she had to come and give him nourishment to get him through his SATs." We all know that no child has ever had his mother have to breastfeed him through his college entrance exams, but hey why miss one more opportunity to marginalize the parent outside the norm of the culture as a crazy, possibly pathological, child-ruining monster? I suppose that reasoned, practical advice isn't what advice columns are for anymore.
9 Responses
ksmaybe
There is a huge difference between nursing a 2 month old and a 5 year old. There is. If you tell a woman nursing a 2 month old she can’t nurse at the table, that poor mama is gonna have a hard time getting dinner for herself, which she needs! I’ve nursed 2 kids, each past 2 (1 is still going). Both nursed pretty much non-stop in the late afternoon/evening at that age! As someone who nurses well into toddlerhood though, I do try to avoid nursing in front of others after age 1. Past age 1, they nurse much less often and we all know that nursing a 2 month old is uncomfortable for many people to witness, and that needs to be changed. Attempting to change that view by making an even larger group of people uncomfortable by nursing a 5 year old in front of them…..that actually sets back the chance of people becoming less bothered by nursing altogether. So, I agree with Beth here, that it is ok to politely ask someone to nurse a 5 year old in another room, but I strongly disagree with Prudence that that should apply to an infant. It wouldn’t be the first time someone was intentionally inflammatory in writing on this topic, and I’m not surprised to see it again.
Mindy
I think you are absolutely right. Why is breastfeeding considered taboo at the table anyway? I think way too much is made of this subject. Will it kill these adults to put up with being uncomfortable for a short time at the table? Would it be that hard for this woman to accommodate them at family dinners? I think if they were all being genuine and compassionate about their differences, they wouldn’t need to write in for advice.
beth
Yes, new moms need a lot of support and not made to feel isolated. If a mom doesn’t want to nurse in front of friends or family, it’s obviously her choice! But I don’t want moms to feel shunned. Let them guide others, not the other way around.
Pamela
I found her tone to be very rude as well. The part that bothered me most of all was a response from her at the end of the article when she said it was inappropriate to breastfeed a 2 month old in the company of others who were eating. So often those first two months of breastfeeding are very difficult, and a mama needs to be lifted up by her family and held close, not asked to go away.
Very classy response. Good work!
beth
Thanks, Dawn!
Dawn Babcock Papple
You’re my new favorite!
Christine
A lot has to do with what is acceptable to each individual. This is highly influenced by – Environment, Circumstances, Background.
When I was a teenager I witnessed a child who, I remember to be around 3 or 4, confidently approach his mom, lift her top and proceed to breastfeed. He walked away and back again, helping himself as he pleased. I was flabbergasted. I thought it was weird (I used that word a lot back then).
Twenty-five years later I am a mamma to an almost 5 year old, and … I breastfeed him (http://www.loving-attachment-parenting.com). Not the same way, but he breastfeeds nonetheless. We didn’t plan it that way. He was a baby who exclusively breastfed, who turned into a toddler who continued to enjoy it and so on….
Of course, as he gets older the weaning has been happening forever. He is down to twice within 24 hours and never out of our home.
Then there is the opposite side of the scenario – individuals who we are around and who don’t feel comfortable with the idea of breastfeeding an older child. That’s where kindness and respect of the other person comes in. I guess in some situations like the one above it can be a real balancing act.
When I first had my son, if someone would have asked if I would still be breastfeeding when he was this old, I probably would have said “no way”. What was strange to me once upon a time now seems like the most natural thing in the world.
beth
Hi Emily, yes I agree that breastfeeding at the table at that age is obviously likely unnecessary. With the limited facts that we had (pretty much the sister-in-law’s version of events) I wouldn’t want to comment too much on the possible actions, attitudes, or motivations of the breastfeeding mother without knowing more, but in general I certainly agree that I cannot really think of a reason why it would be required that a 5-year-old, allergies or not, receive breastmilk, at the breast, at the table at a dinner party. As you said, here I mostly took issue with the tone of the advice given, which was actually basic and reasonable given the situation and found it emblematic of a tone that is too prevalent in our culture to mock and belittle breastfeeding, especially extended breastfeeding (which, for some people, seems to start even before baby hits 12 months).
Emily
So I completely agree that a child should be allowed to breastfeed anywhere. But when they are 5, for that matter even 2 or 3 years old, they can have water if they are thirsty. My child never got milk or juice everytime he was thirsty. Water is a good thing to learn to enjoy.
I am all for rights to breastfeeding, but I think the mother was a bit rude in not considering how her new in-laws would react, and how that reaction would affect her child. What if they brought it up as he gets older, maybe even teasing him. To me it is not worth it to possibly subject him to that (Family can be cruel, and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it)
That being said, the “advice” was rude and very condescending. Not like I would expect any better from an advice columnist. I would have advised the SIL to go talk to the brother and wife privately about the whole ordeal. And not make fun and ostracize the mother for doing what she thought was best.
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